It's almost exactly 3 months until D-Day. The day I leave for an incredible adventure into the unknown with people I hardly know. It's going to be really great. And hard. But really, really awesome.
Or so I'm told.
This pre-World Race period is a bittersweet one for me. Yes, of course I'm excited. I guess. Honestly, it's hard for me to even think about how I feel about this next year. My feelings have fallen all over the emotional spectrum.
On the one hand, I can't wait to get out of here and do something. To live a better story. Be a part of something so few have the privilege to experience. Allow God to be in charge of my life – instead of me. For once.
On the other, I'm already in a place I love. I can already see God moving, working in ways I didn't expect. I'm already being stretched. I have friends I don't know what I'd do without. I've seen God change my life around, rock my misconceptions, and make me uncomfortable.
I'm leaving something that's already really, really good.
So, no, I'm not sitting on the edge of my seat, eagerly awaiting the day I leave this place. Which is really soon. In only 1 month, I'll be leaving Anderson, IN to spend my final 2 stateside months of 2011 in OKC with my family. And I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.
I've only known these people, this place for 17 months, but it's been long enough to leave me forever changed. It's even harder to make a conscious, independent decision to leave. When I went to college, I knew I only had 4 years with those people. At camp, 3 months. Time with them was beyond my control. But this is different. I could stay if I wanted. I could keep doing life with these people. I could maintain face-to-face friendships with others I've come to know and love deeply. I could keep enjoying my Starbucks Wednesdays (and Tuesdays, and Thursdays, and Fridays...) with baristas who all know my name. Leaving won't be easy.
And then my anxiety jumps ahead to 14 months from now, when I return from my life-altering journey across the globe.
WHAT NOW?
Will I have any money? Will I have to live at home again? Will I be a boomerang child, as if I never went to college or lived on my own or went on the World Race at all? Will I know what to do with my life? Will I hate America? Will all my friends forget me? What if, what if, what if...
It's as if, in my mind, the World Race is simply another distraction, another break from real, responsible, adult life.
But it's not!
But that's how I feel. I'm feelingsy.
Yes, I know God has it. I know He has opened this door for me, provided for me financially, and reassured me through so many wonderful, encouraging, loving people. I know He alone knows my future. I know He determines my steps. I KNOW. Thank you for all the reminders. But it might take a little bit for those reminders to translate from my head to my heart.
So, am I excited about the World Race? Yes. And no. But really, yes. Most of the time. Sometimes. It's going to be a process of letting go... of the good I'm leaving behind, of what I expect God to do with me over the next year, and of these crazy delusions of control I have over the future.
It's going to to be really, really awesome.
And really hard.
But really awesome.
