30, Flirty, and... Unhinged

I leave for the World Race in 30 days. 

THIRTY DAYS.

I feel like I'm going to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of crazy until the day I leave.

January 9th:  End of Pretend Crazy.  Beginning of Actual Crazy.

My mind is constantly spinning with things I still need to get done before I take off.  And I feel like I can never get on top of anything.

I'm leaving in 30 days and I need to break in these Tevas and where can I find packing cubes and I don't have enough dinosaur thank you cards.

And I need to be nicer to my family and spend time with Jesus and stop saying cuss words in my head and reflect on how the world isn't about to end and how hundreds of people have done this before.

Huh.

But then I think more, and I feel I've become this icky person that I don't really want to bring on the World Race.  You know, that mission trip thingy where you're supposed to be selfless and sacrificial and love Jesus and other people more than your own self.  

 

I mean, it's not like anyone really wants to wake up to this teammate every morning.

I think I've determined that my icky self comes out more when I'm at home.  Not because I don't love my family, but because I know they're not going anywhere.  I can be snarky and obnoxious and feel entitled to that last bowl of chicken chili because, at the end of the day, I know they'll still love me.  This is unfortunate, because while I've often felt like I (and everyone) was meant to be a missionary in my own home, I think I need someone to be a missionary to me.

It's a good thing Jesus ran around with crazies.  Because I sure don't expect to step into every country and be the super awesome white American Christian who can tell all the natives how to get it together.  And it's also a good thing He shows a lot of grace, because it's something I need a lot.  And something I need to learn how to do better.

Sometimes, when I want a brutal spiritual punch in the face, I read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers.  It calls you out on your crap and tells you how to be more like Jesus.  And that's awesome.  Anyway, here is a line from "The Opposition of the Natural" that stuck out to me yesterday:
 

The cost to your natural life is not just one or two things, but everything.  Jesus said, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself. . .” (Matthew 16:24).  That is, he must deny his right to himself, and he must realize who Jesus Christ is before he will bring himself to do it.  Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own independence.
 

Jesus, I desire to come after you.

Giving up my other desires is going to be rough.

Not freaking out about what I've left behind is going to be rough.

Living out of my righteous self instead of my icky self...  That is going to be rough.

Please help me.

Thanks.
 

Schmentitlement

On October 23, 2011, I surrendered my rights to many things on the World Race. 
 
Because we’re not entitled to anything. 
 
Because things will most definitely be different from what we expect. 

They told us to give it up.

This is not about you. 

 
So here are a few things on which I’m throwing in that towel… for the next year, at least.  Ha.

 
I give up my right to the same route.
I give up my right to the same teammates.
I give up my right to know all the plans.
I give up my right to have rights.
To be alone…  (eek)
To keep my secrets.
To individualism.
To my personal belongings…
To be right.
To (try to) be prettier, smarter, cooler, or more spiritual than you.
To have 1,000 comments per blog post (although that would be super awesome).
To (try to) deal with my crazy on my own.
To find a husband on the World Race.
To a civilized toilet.
To a civilized sleeping arrangement.
To civilization.
To a daily cup of coffee.
To be comfortable.
To share my negative opinions about others, with others.
To base my worth and identity on your opinions of me.
To sit on the sidelines (most of the time…).
To remain the same.

America Racers

You don’t have to be a World Racer to make a difference.  To share Jesus.  To love strangers.  To pray over people you just met.  To buy a drink for everyone in Starbucks, just because.  You don’t have to be an overseas missionary-in-training to prophesy Truth over ears that are aching to hear it, hearts that are struggling to believe it.  You don’t have to be on a post-camp high to be excited about what the Holy Spirit is up to.  Not because it’s required, not because you’d have guilt feelings otherwise, but because you’ve been invited to be a part of the story.   And you know there’s nothing better.
 
These are the America Racers.  They are the Dinahs, Mikes, Bryans, and Lawrences of obscure Bible colleges, who drive all the way from California to Indiana to share Jesus with people who have no clue and remind those who forgot they did.  These are the ones who introduce themselves to three twenty-something females who are simply minding their own business, and ask how they can pray for them.  They don’t care about feeling awkward or sounding ridiculous because they care about the gospel of God more than their own selves.  They’ll ask you about your relationship with God, not because they want to compare yours with theirs, but because they want to speak fullness into where it is lacking.  They’ll bring up Bible verses you just read, not because they’re trying to show off, but because… oh, yeah, you’ve already heard them three times in the last three days, and maybe, just maybe, God is trying to make a point.  They'll make you marvel at how a relationship with Him was never meant to be complicated, because it's really just  about loving Him and loving people.  They'll give you a glimpse of how life would look if we all actually did that.  They’ll talk about the Lord  like they know Him, because… well, they do.  He is their Father.  Their Counselor.  Their Savior.  Their Best Friend. 

And, at the end of the day, you won't really be surprised, because you'll remember that this is what people who love Jesus do.
 
An encounter with them will change you forever, because it must be a lot like encountering Jesus Himself.



Ever met someone(s) like this?  Tell us about it!

Belonging

I keep wanting to write a post about Training Camp.  But, for whatever reason (and there are a few), I just can't get around to it.  It was great, and horrible, and long, and restless, and beautiful, and eye-opening, and cold, and awesome.  I learned and experienced and was.  And now I'm back, and I can't believe that in only 2 short months, I'll be seeing those crazies again.  And we'll be doing it for real.  Weird.

So, instead of posting my own blog about it, for now I'll just direct you to those of a few squadmates, because they're pretty neat.  Hit the nail right on the head.

Justin Orr:  "Puff, Puss, Pass!"
Leah Malone:  "These World Race People are CRAZY."  (That picture of the tent village?  I took that.)
Suzanne Bradford:  "So how was training camp?"

On a mostly different note, I'll be packing up all my belongings and heading home to Oklahoma this week.  I have a lot of feelings about that, and many of them are nice.  But it's going to be hard.  I've moved a few times over the past couple of years, and eventually I've begun to feel like I could live everywhere because I don't belong anywhere.  For long, anyway.  My frustration about this culminated in a prayer... partially inspired by the lyrics to Switchfoot's "Where I Belong":

"Until I die, I’ll sing these songs
On the shores of Babylon
Still looking for a home
In a world where I belong"
 

God, where is home for me these days?  I can see myself right now, standing on the shores of a land that isn’t my own.  This isn’t my home, this strange place where the people I trust the most prove unworthy, where the love void never finds its fullness, where too much is never enough.  Where the line between love and codependency remains ambiguous, where the battle between perfection and reality rages, and the perfection to which we were called remains unattainable in our own power. 
 
I don’t feel at home here, always in transition, floating, wandering, a nomad, never finding a place to land.  I drag the memories, the failures, the emptiness behind me.  You never really do start over.
 
Where do I belong? 
 
Eternity is written on my heart.  I was not made for this place, where nothing ever lasts.  We were not meant for goodbyes.  Facing the end of good things, those things that remind us of the greatness to come, those tastes of heaven.  The world is rigged.  We are deceived, expecting all that is beautiful here to be it, the point of arrival.  And surprised each time it isn’t.
 
We have that hunger for a world beyond ourselves, that place where all that we long for is just a little more present.  The kingdom.  Exposure.  Truth.  Life.  Standing on our own two feet, naked, without judgment.  Without fear. 
 
Yes, we all have crap.  But “God likes it that way, because live things poop.”  ‘Dump it here,’ He says.  ‘Lie exposed, all of you.’  Maybe that’s what belonging feels like.  Maybe that’s what home is supposed to be.


Do you ever struggle to feel like you belong somewhere?  What do you do about it?

Meet Team Mosaic!

Well, Training Camp for all three January 2012 sqads is officially over.  It was a tough, emotional, but incredible week.  I'm excited to announce the people with whom I will be spending the first several months of my World Race journey:  Suzanne Bradford, Rebekah Clark, Matt Blair, Rachel Williams, and Tyler Hamilton!  

One of my fellow Mosaic teammates, Tyler, wrote a blog about some of our first experiences as a team.  Here it is (with a few changes).  Enjoy!

Preparation and Pain

After C Squad split into our amazing groups, we felt the Holy Spirit pulling on our hearts to share and spend time with somebody outside of camp when we went to go bond and eat dinner. The Lord has brought a lot of new passion and vision into our lives during this long but energy-filled week. The stories of our lives are no longer just individual experiences but now have intertwined into an experience of a life time that we will live for the next 11 months, starting in January. Our group's new name was a very important part of creating our new team's identity, and we all wanted a name that would reflect each of our hearts passion for this adventure and individually combine our recent changes that we have felt. So after about an hour of discussion and brainstorming, after the bathroom I come back to the table to hear a very loud and enthusiastic "MOSAIC!!!" This was a new and creative name that we felt encompassed all of our ideals and feelings the Spirit had shown us. 

Our new group traveled outside of our camp on Friday because we felt the spirit moving in our hearts to go spend time with our new group and share the love that we have been blessed with to another child of God. After settling for a delicious scoop of ice cream, we sat down with our new groups and bonded for about two hours. Before leaving, we decided to ask for directions to the closet southern BBQ restaurant. The manager at the ice cream shop, Chris, was more the willing to show us to his family's favorite place to grub. Chris is 22 and living at home with his family to take care of his sick father. For the past couple years, Chris has struggled with bills, family, and the place in his life where he felt God was leading him to. We felt the pain in his heart and the challenges he has been facing day by day. So we told him where we were from and what God was doing in our lives through this World Race mission. "God wants you and will place you where he plans if you are willing," I said to Chris through the small service window at the ice cream shop. Chris was a huge encouragement  to me because our stories related so well together. We prayed a Spirit-filled prayer with Chris, asking him to trust and challenge God for him to look into something like to World Race. This experience has warmed my heart and provided me with a beginning look at what God has in store for us in the next 11 months!!!  God is LOVE!!!

Dear College Me

This post doesn't really have anything to do with the World Race, but I thought it was worth sharing...

I graduated from college almost two years ago.  Two years!  So much has happened since then -- all ultimately great things -- but I still often reflect on what I would have done differently if I could go back and do my 18-22 years over again.  

I just got back from visiting a good friend who lives a block away from my alma mater.  We decided to take a walk across the campus, and we talked about the different sites of awesome and devastating (mostly devastaing) moments of our college careers.  As we reminisced, I said to her, "I just wish I could go back and tell myself, 'Reagan, why are you consciously choosing to be crazy?  To do things that are making you miserable?  STOP it!  This isn't working for you.'"  

I'm not one to advocate dwelling in regret, but I know from experience that human beings are apt to repeat the same mistakes.  Over and over and over.  I can see that pattern in my own life now, and I wish I would have picked up on it sooner.  

The great thing is, I love giving advice.  Anytime you want someone to fix you, let me know, because I'm super awesome at (sometimes) thinking I can.  In working with high school students and having lots of college-aged friends, I get to share my past experiences and provide guidance when asked (and often when not).  So if you were to inquire of me, 'Reagan, what are you glad you did/what would you have done differently?  In all your 23 years of wisdom, what are things you would suggest to a college student?' here is what I would say:

• 
  The "freshman dorm experience" isn't a myth.  Those crazy girls on your floor will probaby be some of your closest friends for the next 4 years.  Leave your door open.  Host a movie night.  Stay up until 2am playing Guitar Hero.  (Just don't do it every night.)


• 
  Yes, it will be like mating season during those first 2 weeks of your freshman fall semester.  No, you won't be able to enjoy a nice chat with your roommates in your dorm lobby without having to experience a pair (or 5 pairs) of lovebirds canoodling on the sofa(s) right next to you.  But that doesn't have to be you.  Enjoy the freedom of making friends with whomever you want, going wherever you want, and doing whatever you want for awhile.  Give it a semester.  Give it two.  Don't feel like something is wrong with you if you haven't found your potential forever friend right off the bat.  You'll be glad you have other friends later.


• 
  Choose at least one thing on campus to get really involved in.  Something you enjoy.  Something that will be worth your time.  And commit to it.  It will feel good to have "your people" -- those Gospel choir singers/social work club members/intramural flag football players -- with whom you can share memories and enjoy the same quirky things.  


• 
  The freshman 15/20/30?  Also not a myth.  As much as you can stand it, try to stay away from those daily late night pizza deliveries and the all-you-can-eat stir fry section in the dining hall.  No, you don't need 1 dessert per meal.  And it probably wouldn't kill you to take advantage of the FREE fitness center that's only a 2 minute walk from your dorm. 


• 
  Choose a semester in Australia over that guy you've been dating for only 2 months.  Choose China.  Choose England.  Choose anywhere -- because, remember, you will come back.  And you will have learned, lived through, and done things that may never be available to you again until you're an old, retired empty-nester.


• 
  Take chances.  Make mistakes.  But if they just aren't working for you after the 2nd, 6th, or 26th time, STOP MAKING THEM.


• 
  Get involved in something outside the university bubble.  Volunteer at a local church.  Spend a summer as a camp counselor.  Make these years bigger than you.  


• 
  Build relationships with people who know what actual life is like (because, of course, college isn't anything like the real world). 


• 
  Get to know God.  Make your spiritual walk your own.  Go through a crisis of faith.  Ask a lot of questions.  Seek out answers.  Cry out to Him when you're at the end of yourself -- and experience a real, loving, personal relationship for what might be the first time.  Don't be afraid to learn that the religious professions of your parents -- the ones you've obviously believed your whole life -- might not be entirely correct.  But learn it around people who have been there too, who will love and encourage and counsel you when you need it.

Adventures in Missions gets this, too.  Watch this video for more words of wisdom... and to learn about Passport (formerly Real Life), a "mini-World Race" for college kids!


How about you?  What kinds of pointers would you give to a college student?

Pray for Swaziland

A few of my fellow teammates decided to write a blog for each of our countries, focusing on specific prayer needs for each country.  My country of choice is, obviously, Swaziland.  (To see prayer blogs for the Phillippines, China, India, Nepal, Romania, Moldova, and South Africa, check out Jesse Morris, Rebecca Burger, and Leah Malone.)

Confession:  Pretty much all of this next part is straight plagiarism.  Except the prayer at the end - I could handle that all on my own.  The information comes from The Swaziland Partnership website, which is an organization founded by the pastor at Bethany First Church of the Nazarene (my home church) and the president at Southern Nazarene Univeristy in Bethany, OK.  The Swaziland Partnership was created to evaluate and take action against the many needs in Swaziland, which you'll see listed below.  BFC sends out several GO Teams (regular church people with a desire to serve) a year, which minister to the Swazi people through medicine, construction, teaching, and compassion.  (In fact, I've been in contact with the Director of Global Outreach, who coordinates the many aspects of the Swaziland Partnership, to see if we can team up with them in May.)  Check out their website for more information.  It's very informative.


Fast Facts About Swaziland:

• 
  Located in Southern Africa, between Mozambique and South Africa 



• 
  It is the smallest country in the Southern hemisphere (slightly smaller than New Jersey)



• 
  Population: 1,133,066


• 
  Age Structure:
  
  
  
  • 
    0-14 years: 40.3 %

  
  
  • 
    15-64 years: 56.1 %
  
  
  • 
    
65 years and older: 3.6%

  
  
  
  


• 
  Life Expectancy at birth: 32.23 years



• 
  Government: Monarchy
 (last monarchy in Africa!)


• 
  Capital: Mbabane



• 
  Gained independence from the UK in 1968


 
Below is a list of many of the needs for which we can pray. 
 
 
Water:
Half of the Swazi population does not have access to clean drinking water, with 60% of the boreholes (water wells) not in operation. The lack of water, and especially clean drinking water, is the source of immediate and long-term health issues with dehydration, water-borne diseases, and inadequate crop production.
 
Medicine:
Swaziland has a good system of hospitals and clinics throughout the country to serve their people. However, they do not have a continuing medical education system for their doctors and nurses to provide information on new research and methods.
 
Medical Equipment & Supplies:
The Swazi National Board Plan states the need for new and updated medical equipment and supplies for Raleigh Fitkin Memorial Hospital (RFM) and their 17 rural clinics. The staff is highly trained, but they need the tools to get the job done.
 
Construction:
RFM was built in the 1920s. Many of the 17 rural clinics were built in the 1930s and ‘40s. These original structures all need renovation. Many of these clinic communities do not have adequate housing for the nurses and their families. Some of the nurses are living in their clinic or in a storage facility nearby. For some, their families live in another city due to lack of housing. It is difficult to keep nurses in these rural communities when there is such inadequate housing.


 
The Church of the Nazarene continues to plant churches and needs new church facilities. Most congregations will have enough funds to lay a foundation or build the walls, but are not able to finish construction.
 
Compassion:
There are not enough hospitals or hospices to contain the number of people with AIDS. Many of these people are dying in their own homes.
 
Education:
Swaziland has three colleges of higher education with trained and talented staff. What they are requesting is continuing education for medical professionals, pastors, and those on the frontlines of AIDS care.
 
Community Vegetable Gardens:
The United Nations ranks Swaziland #4 in the world for food security issues–which means that starvation may soon outpace AIDS as the #1 killer in Swaziland.
 
AIDS:
We were appalled that over 289,000 were killed in the Indian Ocean tsunami in late 2004, in a matter of minutes by monstrous waves. Yet, there is an AIDS tsunami every month as over 289,000 die in Sub-Saharan Africa from AIDS.  Swaziland has the highest HIV infection rate in the world at 42%.
 
There is great social stigma to the admission of AIDS. Many communities will ostracize the person and their family if they are found to be HIV positive.
 
AIDS Orphans and Vulnerable Children
:
“Over 12 million children in Africa are orphaned due to the HIV/AIDS pandemic. 134 million children do not have access to education. 91 million children are living daily with debilitating hunger and an estimated one million children enter the commercial sex trade every year in order to survive.”  From Nazarene Compassionate Ministries


 
Experts say that Swaziland will have 200,000 AIDS orphans by 2012, which is 20% of their current population. There are many other vulnerable children in Swaziland. These children may have only one parent or may be living with a grandmother or aunt. They may even be cared for by an older sibling as there are 15,000 households led by children.
 
Swazi children must pay for their primary and high school education. College education is paid for by the government. To attend school, families must purchase the school uniform, black school shoes, textbooks, and school supplies. Thousands of children do not get the opportunity to go to school. Many families sacrifice all that they have by working jobs in other cities or countries to pay for their children’s education. The Swazi government just offered free education for grades 1 and 2 this year. While this is an excellent start, they do not have enough teachers or schools to accept everyone who came on registration day. Many were turned away.


 
There are Gogos (grandmothers) who have lost their children to AIDS and are caring for multiple grandchildren. There are pastors’ families caring for additional vulnerable children from their community in their homes. Many of these pastors cannot afford to send their own children to school. Some pastors have to choose which of their children they can send to school since they cannot afford to send them all. It is a terrible decision to have to make.


God, we lift up this country.  The needs seem endless, impossible to overcome.  And they are - for us.  But thank You that You are greater than our need.  In our weakness, Your grace is made perfect.  Feed the hungry.  Give water to the thirsty.  Teach those who are eager to learn.  Build the house for the workers whose trust is in You.  Clothe the naked.  Care for the orphan.  Do it through us.  Use us as the answer to our own prayer, as Your hands and feet.  We love You.  Help us to love others as You love us and more than we love ourselves.  In Jesus' Name, amen.

I Just Have a Lot of Feelings

It's almost exactly 3 months until D-Day. The day I leave for an incredible adventure into the unknown with people I hardly know. It's going to be really great. And hard. But really, really awesome.

Or so I'm told.

This pre-World Race period is a bittersweet one for me. Yes, of course I'm excited. I guess. Honestly, it's hard for me to even think about how I feel about this next year. My feelings have fallen all over the emotional spectrum.

On the one hand, I can't wait to get out of here and do something. To live a better story. Be a part of something so few have the privilege to experience. Allow God to be in charge of my life – instead of me. For once.

On the other, I'm already in a place I love. I can already see God moving, working in ways I didn't expect. I'm already being stretched. I have friends I don't know what I'd do without. I've seen God change my life around, rock my misconceptions, and make me uncomfortable.

I'm leaving something that's already really, really good.

So, no, I'm not sitting on the edge of my seat, eagerly awaiting the day I leave this place. Which is really soon. In only 1 month, I'll be leaving Anderson, IN to spend my final 2 stateside months of 2011 in OKC with my family. And I'm not ready to say goodbye yet.

I've only known these people, this place for 17 months, but it's been long enough to leave me forever changed. It's even harder to make a conscious, independent decision to leave. When I went to college, I knew I only had 4 years with those people. At camp, 3 months. Time with them was beyond my control. But this is different. I could stay if I wanted. I could keep doing life with these people. I could maintain face-to-face friendships with others I've come to know and love deeply. I could keep enjoying my Starbucks Wednesdays (and Tuesdays, and Thursdays, and Fridays...) with baristas who all know my name. Leaving won't be easy.

And then my anxiety jumps ahead to 14 months from now, when I return from my life-altering journey across the globe.

WHAT NOW?

Will I have any money? Will I have to live at home again? Will I be a boomerang child, as if I never went to college or lived on my own or went on the World Race at all? Will I know what to do with my life? Will I hate America? Will all my friends forget me? What if, what if, what if...

It's as if, in my mind, the World Race is simply another distraction, another break from real, responsible, adult life.

But it's not!

But that's how I feel. I'm feelingsy.

Yes, I know God has it. I know He has opened this door for me, provided for me financially, and reassured me through so many wonderful, encouraging, loving people. I know He alone knows my future. I know He determines my steps. I KNOW. Thank you for all the reminders. But it might take a little bit for those reminders to translate from my head to my heart.

So, am I excited about the World Race? Yes. And no. But really, yes. Most of the time. Sometimes. It's going to be a process of letting go... of the good I'm leaving behind, of what I expect God to do with me over the next year, and of these crazy delusions of control I have over the future.

It's going to to be really, really awesome.

And really hard.

But really awesome.

Raising Funds

Throughout all the stress of raising financial support, I have come to this realization again and again:  It's not the worst thing ever!  I’m still in the early phases of that, but God has blessed me with an INCREDIBLE outpouring of support (through the most unlikely of people) so far.  The World Race mobilizers set up “mini-deadlines” for our fundraising to keep us on track, and our first is $3,500 by October 1^st.  Despite my skepticism, I reached $3,830 on August 17^th!  So only about $12,000 to go.  No problem.

I’ve had a few people ask me about where all the support money goes, so I did a little research and found this fancy pie chart (via Anna Maillet).

 
 

 
 

My 65% covers the following:

• 
  $4,235 for our intercontinental travel for the year 


• 
  $460 per month, broken down as: 
  
  
  
  • 
    $3.75 per day for food
  
  
  • 
    $5.25 per day for lodging
  
  
  • 
    $3.00 per day for transport
  
  
  • 
    $3.33 per day for long distance travel (buses, trains) and miscellaneous supplies
  
  
  
  

 
In case you’re curious, here are our the fundraising deadlines for the January 2012 World Race:

• 
  $3,500 - Due 10/1/2011 (2 weeks before Training Camp)


• 
  $6,500 - Due 12/18/2011 (2 weeks prior my trip)


• 
  $11,000 - Due 4/1/2011 (End of 3 months on the field)


• 
  $15,500 - Due 7/1/2011 (End of 6 months on the field)

 

 

Want to Support Me?

 

If you are interested in supporting me financially, check out these 4 options!

 

1. Credit and Debit Card

If you click the "Support Me!" link on the left side of my blog (http://reagantaylor.theworldrace.org), you will be taken to a form for giving that allows you to donate using a credit or debit card.  Obviously, this is mighty convenient. You can even set up an automatic monthly payment.  The drawback is that it requires a third-party service that charges a fee.  5% of what you give using a credit or debit card online is taken out before I see the donation.


• 
  

  
  Pros:  Quick.  Easy to find and navigate. Easy to set up monthly pledge.

  
  


• 
  

  
  Cons:  5% fee paid to the processing company.

  
  

 

2. Bank Draft

You can also set up a bank draft through the "Support Me!" link on my blog (http://reagantaylor.theworldrace.org).  It's similar to the credit and debit card donations, but the funds come directly out of your bank account rather than through your card.  This method is also easy and convenient.  It also requires a fee to be paid to a third-party processing company.  With a bank draft, the processing fee is only 3%.

• 
  

  
  Pros:  Quick.  Easy to find and navigate. Easy to set up monthly pledge.

  
  


• 
  

  
  Cons:  3% fee paid to the processing company.

  
  

 

3. Check by Mail

It's also possible for you to mail checks to Adventures in Missions (P.O. Box 534470 Atlanta, GA 30353-4470). Be sure to put “World Race: Reagan Taylor” in the memo line! This method may be a bit more tedious and take longer to process, but there is absolutely no processing fee. 100% of your gift goes to my support account.

• 
  

  
  Pros:  No processing fee.  Sent directly to AIM's bank to be deposited.

  
  


• 
  

  
  Cons:  May take up to 2 weeks from the date mailed for the donation to appear in my fundraising account.

  
  

 

4. DynaPay System

For those of you who know you would like to make a monthly commitment, the DynaPay system may be the all-around best option.  By entering a few bits of information online, you can give, by electronic check, once or twice a month. The best part: NO PROCESSING FEES. You MUST enter the end date of the gift in the online form or the donation will continue until AIM's Donor Relations department receives written confirmation that you would like to discontinue the donation.  You can direct donors to www.adventures.org/dynapay to give through the DynaPay system.

• 
  

  
  Pros:  No processing fee.  Automated giving.

  
  


• 
  

  
  Cons:  You must specify the end date or communicate in writing with Donor Relations.


  
  

Of course, regardless of whether you decide to give financially, I would love your prayers for me and my squadmates during this process.  It can feel pretty overwhelming, and it's easy to get discouraged.  But we're trusting that God will provide!

Feel free to let me know if you have any questions about anything.  If I don't know the answer, I can probably find out!

The What, When, Where

What is the World Race?

The World Race is a program of the inter-denominational organization Adventures in Missions (AIM). AIM is a reputable missions organization that has been around since 1989, sending people from different churches and backgrounds all over the world on life-changing mission trips.  The World Race is an 11-month mission trip served out in 11 different countries.  My route will run January-November 2012.


Where will we be going?

(UPDATE:  Our route has been completely flipped!  Apparently Jesus was serious when He said the last shall be first and the first shall be last...  Here is the NEW route for our squad.)

January:  Dominican Republic

The Dominican Republic shares the island of Hispaniola in the Caribbean. The more affluent neighbor to Haiti (though generally it isn't too affluent) home to 9 million people. The Dominican culture is lively, vibrant, warm; however, the culture struggles with problems like hypersexualization and alcoholism. After the earthquake on January 12 in Haiti, the D.R. quickly became refuge to thousands who were displaced. This month, you'll serve at orphanages, refugee camps, and more; you'll partner with local churches, pastors, even Adventures in Missions' own full-time missionaries.

 

 

February:  Haiti

Haiti was hit with a life-altering earthquake on January 12, 2010. The nation's still in shambles, the church is rising up. Haiti is experiencing a spiritual revival right now like it has never before seen. Communities are turning to pastors for leadership, and the local church is becoming the driving force behind Haiti's ongoing rebirth. This month, you'll help with relief efforts, establish connections with local pastors, help people rebuild their lives through meeting felt needs, and more. Come ready to serve; come ready to be blessed.

 

March:  Romania

The northern regions of Romania are home to the gypsy community. Though strangers in their homeland and forgotten by society, the gypsies are a strong and vibrant people who embrace the light of Christ in an inspirational way. Here, you will teach English, lead sports camps, live life with the gypsies, and more. It will be an exciting time of learning about a people group you may not have known even existed.

 

 

April:  Moldova

Once a part of Romania, this former Soviet republic declared independence in 1991. Moldova, one of the poorest European countries, is riddled with a high underground crime rate. This country is vulnerable as a transit point of human trafficking. The main language spoken is Romanian (also called Moldovan) but there's debate as to what the Moldovan ethnicity is exactly. We need people who will bring Kingdom clarity and declare peace the peace of God over a land filled with confusion and chaos.

 

May:  Mozambique

One of the most beautiful countries in the African continent, Mozambique is a favorite location of World Racers for a variety of reasons: the people, the landscape, the ministry partnerships, the miracles that this country has seen, and more. The former Portuguese colony is seeing signs of redemption and economic recovery; because of, or in spite of, the extreme poverty gripping the nation, the church grows. You will teach, preach, and practice "true religion" with widows and orphans while you grow in your identity in Christ. One of your most interesting travel "days" may happen here.

 

June:  Swaziland

The Kingdom of Swaziland is one of the last remaining monarchies in Africa. Home to 1.1 million people and breath-taking scenic views, it's also where the world's highest HIV/AIDS infection rate lives (26.1% in adults and over 50% of adults in their 20s). It's estimated that by 2050, the country of Swaziland will not even exist. Young orphans are scattered throughout this nation that is in desperate need of attention. For years, AIM has been committed to seeing these statistics reversed. Here, you will most likely find yourself involved in a variety of outreaches, including education, orphan care, care point feedings, and more.

 

 

July:  South Africa

While it's been several decades since apartheid has formally ended, there is still more healing and reconciliation to take place in South Africa. This country is one of the wealthiest on the continent, and yet, much of the population that lives outside the cities is poor.

Like the rest of sub-Saharan Africa, this country struggles with a high rate of AIDS/HIV. Host to the 2010 World Cup and breathtaking natural attractions, it is also a place full of kingdom potential, waiting to be released -- by you

 

August:  India

With nearly a sixth of the world's population within its borders, India is a country bursting with people and culture. Home to a diverse array of beliefs from Hinduism to Islam, to a blend of folk religions and other faiths, it is a country of pluralism with twenty-nine languages spoken by over a million native speakers, multiple religions, cuisine, socio-economic classes, and political parties. India's struggles with poverty and crimes of human trafficking, forced prostitution, religious persecution, and more. You might work with local churches to encourage believers and most likely be challenged by their testimonies. Your presence'll bring hope and truth to those that society deems "untouchable."


 

 

 

September:  Nepal

Home to Mount Everest, the world's tallest mountain, Nepal literally sits on top of the world. In addition to adventurous experiences you will have here, you may also visit widows and orphans in their times of distress and protect the innocent who are prey to human traffickers. This month of your World Race experience will submerge you in a culture that is desperate for an encounter with the living God.

 

 

October:  China

Host of the 2008 Summer Olympics and home to 1.3 billion people, China is not just grand in land mass and population. While China has grown in leaps and bounds industrially, intellectually, and even economically, it's still a politically closed nation. Depending on where you are, you may meet Buddhists, Muslims, and Taoists; there are even churches - government approved and regulated. The underground church is extensive and continues growing, even thriving amidst of persecution. While there, you'll have to pay homage to the Great Wall, and bring light and hope to a people in darkness and depression.

 

November:  Philippines

This Asian island nation, once a Spanish colony and an American protectorate, is a country in tension, trying to cross the threshold between the third and first world. It offers a variety of landscapes - beaches, mountains, volcanic lakes - and languages, with Tagalog as the national tongue. The Catholic Church is a substantial piece of the religious pie, however, Islam is growing in the island of Mindinao. The Filipino people and culture love music, dance and community. While there, you may find yourself living with and giving hope to the destitute, caring for orphans, and challenging the growing number of Christ-followers to rise up.

 

What do we actually "do" on the Race?

Every day on the World Race will look a little different. Some days will be packed full with construction, VBS, building relationships with orphans, or praying for the sick at a hospital. Some days could be slower where you shop for groceries at the market, cook for your team, and spend time praying for the community you walk through. Every day will be focused on being a part of God's Kingdom work, in every way that could look!


Any other questions about the World Race?  Leave a comment, or check out http://www.theworldrace.org/!

On Applying for the World Race

If you're like me, you love the idea of God writing a clear-cut, color-coded message on the wall just for you. A roadmap to your destiny. Fool proof. Right? And not that I don't think people don't get direct instructions from God sometimes. But I rarely get that.
 
So, here's the deal. I have no idea what I'm getting myself into.
 
I would really like to go on the World Race, and here's why:
 
I want to be changed. I want to get out of my classic Westernized American bubble. I want to see what God is doing outside of my Bible belt religious spirituality. I want to see what it actually looks like to live by faith. To be completely unable to depend on myself to make it. I want to resonate with the hurt of the world. I want to be out of control.
 
I've been keeping up with a few blogs of current World Racers, and they are incredible. They talk about miracles they've witnessed, like healing-effecting prayers and even people being raised from the dead. These missionaries have boldly proclaimed Jesus; they have shoveled poop out of village streets; they have held abandoned children; they have made friends with lepers; they have shown lonely people that love isn't dead; they have completely come to the end of themselves. They are agents of change. I want to be an agent of change. I want to be a part of what He is already doing - something bigger than myself. I want to see the world through His eyes.  And then I want to help change it.
 
God will complete His work in this world, with or without me. He doesn't need me. But He chooses to need people, the church, His Body. I don't know that He wants me to pursue this particular journey.
 
But I do know that God calls all Christians to a mission field, and I have known and loved Him most when that’s where I’ve been. When I volunteered at Echo Ranch Bible Camp for the summer, I was spent every single day. Week after week, I thought, 'I have never been this tired, and I could never be mored tired than this.' Of course, week after week wore me down even more, until I was finished. I knew I had nothing left to give. And that's right where God wants us. I couldn't do it on my own anymore, which is what it took for me to see, hear, feel, experience Him the most. In situations where I had no strength, no answers to give, He provided. I no longer had anything to brag about. It was all Him. All for His glory. Not mine.
 
I long to be there again. But you know what it's going to take? An epic failure. And, on the World Race, I know I will fail. Like, big time. I don't like sleeping on the floor. Or peeing in a hole. Or being dirty. At all. I take about an hour-and-a-half to get ready in the morning. I'm at Starbucks like 18 times a week. And, you know what? I like it. I like being comfortable. It's cozy in my box. I'm selfish. I'm horrible at genuinely loving people. I will fail at that too. I will fail at being joyful when mosquitoes hotly pursue me, being patient on long travel days, and being loving when, for the love of all that is good and holy, all I want to do is be by myself.
 
I don't know if this is for me because I DO know that I will fail.
 
But I also know that God redeems failures like me. His grace is made perfect in my weakness.
 
I don't throw in that towel gracefully. My surrenders are ugly. They're the result of a long, hard road of trying to make it work on my own. (As if my control ever got me anywhere.) But He always steps in, and He always redeems, and I always learn, and it's always worth it.
 
I don't know. But that's what faith is. It's being sure of what you hope for and certain of what you do not see. It's taking the next step and saying, 'God, if you don't save me, I'm screwed.' And that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to take a step of faith.
 
Will you take that step with me?
 
It's okay if you don't. Really, it is. One of the biggest hang-ups of this process, for me, is asking for help. Specifically, asking for money. Because it's going to take a lot of it. And I know what it's like to be bombarded by requests for money from people I barely know. It's annoying, and really, I usually couldn't care less about whatever they want to go do. I have started supporting a few missionaries and organizations over the last few years, though, and I will say that it is amazing to know that, because of my contributions, Kingdom work can be done a little more confidently. I give because I want to, and I want you to do the same.
 
Like I said, I can't do this by myself. God is going to have to pull this one off. But, if this is where He wants me next year, He will provide.

Basically, it comes down to this:  I'm going to keep praying while taking this step forward. If you are willing to take that step with me, then please pray about giving financially to my World Race efforts.  The reality is, if 100 people can give $13 a month from July 2011-July 2012, my trip will be fully funded.  Easy, right?  

If you'd like to pray for me, then PLEASE DO IT.  It means the world to me when people tell me they're praying for me - that they are going to the God of the universe, Maker of heaven and earth, and Savior of souls on my behalf. "I'm praying for you" isn't some lame Christian cop-out. It's the ultimate thing you can do! 

If you'd like to contribute, just click the "Support Me!" link on the left.  

If you'd like to ask me any questions, just leave a comment or click the Contact link on the left.

If there's anything else I haven't covered...  Well, just let me know!



Oh yeah, here's my personal World Race Promo Video, which pretty much says all the same stuff you just read, only with music behind it.

Something Pretty Neat

My plans for 2012!

Let me go ahead and establish a few things...

1. You'll want to turn the volume WAY up, then WAY down, then WAY up again.


2. I'm not a professional iMovie maker. At all. So please excuse the sloppy transitions.


3. Also excuse the nervous laughs and 59 uses of the phrase "you know". (Ironically, I had no idea I said that so much.)

Now that you know all the rules... Enjoy!

Reagan Taylor: World Race Promo Video

Discontent

I've been camping out in this "rut" for awhile now. I know, I know: good Christians who love Jesus don't get in ruts. They just go through valleys and allow God to come alongside them during the low points so they can learn to trust Him more and witness the beauty of redemption and blah blah blah. Okay, so all of that is true. I know it is. But it still sucks.

Every so often, I go into panic mode on what to do with my life. I think the majority of my blog posts have highlighted this. But, this time, I feel like that change will be soon. I don't know whether it's God pushing me to be ready or me just about ready to erupt if things stay the same for much longer. It could be a combination of the two. Over the past couple years, I've learned that I get antsy pretty quickly. For whatever reason, the diehard schedule-hugger that I am loves change. (Well, sometimes.) I like going new places and exploring the unknown. I like getting out of my comfort zone and trying things I've never done before and seeing how God works through all of it. (For an example of this, check out my Alaska blog.) I think God's/I'm prepping myself to do that again... soonish.

I don't remember whether I've talked about this before on this blog, but I've mentioned to a few of you in person that I once applied for The World Race. It's an 11 month mission trip that takes you to minister in 11 different countries. For various reasons, I decided not to go. But that passion for major change and discontent with the status quo has reared its ugly (or beautiful?) head once again, and now I'm seriously considering applying for it. I'm scared to death of raising support ($15,000!), but my heart for world change won't be satisfied until I get off my lazy butt and do something. I think God's been moving me in this direction for awhile... I just chose to take the scenic route. I sure am glad He's patient.

The point of this post is a cry for prayer and words of wisdom. It means the world to me when people tell me they're praying for me - that they are going to the God of the universe, Maker of heaven and earth, and Savior of souls on my behalf. "I'm praying for you" isn't some lame Christian cop-out. It's the ultimate thing you can do! So, everyone, would you pray for me? Would you ask God to open doors for me and my future (whether it's The World Race or something else)? Will you approach Him with confidence for me? Because I sure don't have a lot of confidence right now.

Thank you!

And be sure to check out this video on The World Race!

Moments of Grace

I spend a lot of time in coffee shops. Second only to work and my bed. Last week I spent about 4 hours at one of them reading a book in preparation for a class I would be teaching on prayer. I really struggled with this particular element of prayer in my own life, and I had no idea what to say about it. Hence, the book I read for 4 hours. Maybe only 3, because I sometimes got distracted by the guitar playing and the old lady telling the baristas her life story. And I felt like I was getting nothing out of it. I was getting so frustrated. Here I was, volunteering to teach a class that wasn’t even mine, and choosing the hardest topic ever to talk about. Was I an idiot? Was I in over my head? Why couldn’t I wrap my mind around whatever it was I was supposed to be understanding? Why had I just wasted hours of my life on something that was useless?

On my drive back home, I just vented to God. What is wrong with me? What do you want me to say? I don’t get it! I just don’t understand! As I repeated these mantras of failure over and over in my mind, a verse in 2 Corinthians 12 that I had read earlier that day came to me… “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is made perfect in weakness.” Yeah, you don’t get it. You don’t understand. And that’s just how I want it – my grace is sufficient for your lack of knowing. My power is made PERFECT in your weakness. With an unspoken “Oh,” I burst into a fresh phase of tears. This is where He wants me after all. Every time my mind went back to the ifs and buts, I just kept hearing the same thing. My grace is sufficient… My grace is sufficient… My grace is sufficient…

He is glorified when I am weak because that is the only time I will LET Him save me.

I got my lesson done the night before the class. All was well.

UPDATE:

I read this in Henri Nouwen's Reaching Out today. Spiritual punch in the face. And perfectly befitting for such a post as this.

"To prepare ourselves for service we have to prepare ourselves for an articulate not knowing, a docta ignorantia, a learned ignorance. This is very difficult to accept for people whose whole attitude is towards mastering and controlling the world. We all want to be educated so that we can be in control of the situation and make things work according our our own need. But education to ministry is an education not to master God but to be mastered by God... well-educated ministers are not individuals who can tell you exactly who God is, where good and evil are and how to travel from this world to the next, but people whose articulate not-knowing makes them free to listen to the voice of God in the words of the people, in the events of the day and in the books containing the life experience of men and women from other places and other times. In short, learned ignorance makes one able to receive the word from others and the Other with great attention."

I gave up worrying for Lent (sort of).

I was talking to youth kid the other night. I was feeling profound, so I asked her what made her feel alive. Her answer included helping people, seeing a change in them, being a part of that change. Naturally, she asked me the same thing. Do you ever ask questions that you forget how to answer for yourself? It took me a little bit, but my answer was pretty simple: connecting with people, knowing them, and being known by them. As I thought more about it after our conversation was over, my answer basically boiled down to this: not feeling alone.

I'm in a Beth Moore Bible study called “Stepping Up” which focuses on the Psalms of Ascent. Last week talked a lot about God surrounding us.

"The LORD surrounds His people, both now and forever." (Psalm 125:2)

"He encamps around those who fear Him and rescues them." (Psalm 34:7)

"He encircles me and places His hand on me." (Psalm 138:5)

Beth wrote, "God has you surrounded. His presence looms over you from every direction... Nothing can close in on you without closing in on Him first."

And it’s amazing that I feel all by myself when, in reality, I’m completely surrounded. I'm sitting in the fetal position in the middle of a dome of impenetrable glory, power... love. I’m surrounded. Encircled. Overwhelmed. By the God who knows the number of hairs on my head.

"Those who trust (are confident, secure, sure) in the LORD are like Mount Zion. It cannot be shaken; it remains forever" (Psalm 125:1).

He never loses sight of me. I am never truly alone. He loves me. He has me.

So, like I said, I gave up worrying about specific things (in general: a life lived alone) for Lent. It’s kind of a joke, in that I should never worry about anything at any time. The Bible says not to, right? So I guess this is just more of a deliberate effort. Something done in the name of the Lenten season. Running to God instead of to this thing, this worry, this burden, this parasite.

“Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth.
 My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; he is mine forever.” (Psalm 73:23-26)

Needless to say, I’ve been praying this a lot more often over the last few days.

Hold on, let me tuck in my love handles.

Do you ever have those days where you just feel ridiculous? Or those weeks? Or maybe longer. I feel like my life has been one long... well, lifespan, of trying not to look ridiculous. Will everyone look at me if I walk in late? I think I'll pass on ping pong - I'm horrible anyway.

On a side note, I just realized the other day that I'm pretty sure I have never played a legitimate game of ping pong. I just tell people I'm really bad and let them play with people who are less bad than I am.

It's really hard to keep up a facade of perfection. I would know; I've tried all my life. And a lot of the time, I think, I've been pretty convincing. I'm the girl who always got those yearbook autographs that said things like, ‘Reagan you seem so nice. Wish we could have talked more.’ Really? You don't know that I'm nice. You just know that I only said 3 words in the entirety of my high school career.

I'll be giving my testimony at Aftershock in a few weeks. I think this is what I'm going to talk about. The lifelong angst of pseudo-perfectionism. How, really, you're not perfect. You're just invisible.

I go to great lengths to shield my crazy and broken and flabby self from the rest of the world. But I don't understand why it's so important to me. Over the last few months, I've gotten to know some pretty cool people. And they're cool because they're authentic. They're REAL. And every time someone has walked up to me and said something like, 'REAGAN, what's wrong? No, you're not fine. What's the deal?' it has been such a punch in face and yet... a relief. Oh yeah, they're not idiots. They know I'm a human who doesn't have it all together.

This scenario happened (again) this week, actually. The Bridge staff went on a 26-hour retreat, just taking time off to relax, cast a vision, talk about where we are, and learn about Jesus. I had been feeling kind of off that day, but since I'm the bottle-it-up-and-don't-tell-anyone-unless-they-threaten-to-crucify-me type, I tried to be pretty low-key (which isn't unusual anyway, I guess). One of my friends caught me and demanded (after the "I'm fine" spiel, of course) that I talk to her about what was going on with me. So I did. And it was embarrassing, and vulnerable, and freeing. Because, really, we keep people at arm's length when all we want is to be known. To be heard. For someone to see us be ridiculous and still think we’re incredible and worthy of love and grace and things that are beautiful.

That same freedom – only better – is found in the grace of Jesus Christ, though I’m just as hesitant to embrace it. I so often forget that I’m saved, I’m righteous, I’m already purified. I don’t have to hide my crap from Him. I don’t have to live ashamed. I don’t have to be good enough for Him to love me. I don’t have to be a pretty wallflower for Him to think I’m nice. He delights in me. And if all my worth is in Him – in His salvation, His sacrifice, His love, and the only real satisfaction that exists – I don’t have to feel alone anymore.

I wrote this in my journal during our study over Galatians:

I am plagued with the thinking that if I could just get it together/right, God will see that, reward me, and value me more. He’ll see that I’m “ready.” I’m not motivated by grace – God is in me; I am righteous; I’m okay. I am motivated by shame, greed, [and all that is encompassed by the kingdom of Reagan]. I am not free. My identity is based on all that I will someday attain. When I accept grace – that I am righteous through salvation – I am convicted when I sin – I can be corrected for growth – but I am not ultimately devalued as a human being – God’s child.

Don’t forget that I am already good enough – purified.

Grace leads to obedience.

Oh yeah, God’s not an idiot. He knows I’m a human who doesn’t have it all together.

I can’t explain (and I usually forget) how much freedom there is in dropping your defenses. How much beauty there is in true community – people who love you because of God’s love for them.

So much better than being a pretty wallflower.

Image source.

On Being 23

It was my golden birthday on Wednesday! This is what I wore:

I didn't do anything too exciting since it fell directly in the middle of the week, but I did have a fun "work birthday", which included cards,

chocolate chip cookie dough-filled chocolate cupcakes,

and a "fiesta" themed party at the daycare!

I went out to eat with some girl friends this weekend to “officially” celebrate. On Friday night, we ate dinner at Joe's Crab Shack, got coffee, and spent about 2 hours in a sandwich shop just talking and laughing till we cried. It was great!

Except the part where I had to stand up and humiliate myself while everyone in Joe's sang "Happy Birthday". I thought I would at least get a free dessert out of it, but no.

On Saturday, some of the same friends and I went to a tea room. Fancy, delicious, and wonderful.

In honor of my friend Ashley (and maybe to poke a little fun at her), I’ve decided to use her approach to blogging about the life of her (currently) 6-month-old son. So, here’s to you, Ash.

Routine

I usually wake up at 7:20 every morning to make breakfast, tea, and hang out with Jesus. Then I get ready and go to work from 10am-4pm. I decided to sleep in on my birthday. (Sorry, Jesus.)Then I went to work. There I received one of these:

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and one of these:

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and one of these:

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so that I could buy these:

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In keeping with traditional Wednesdays, I went to Starbucks after work. I ran into a friend who bought me one of these:

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Then I went to Celebrate Recovery and ate lots of food and talked about all my anxiety on being 23. More on that later.

Eating

On my birthday, I ate cereal, yogurt, a turkey/spinach/pepperjack cheese wrap, pita chips, and various potluck dinner items. And drank lots of caffeinated things.

Weight & Other Stats

No thanks to this small stash I keep at work,

I’ve gained a few over the past month or so. But my height has maintained at 5’5”.

Sleeping

I typically sleep 6-8 hours per night. I start by lying on my left side, then I usually switch to my right side or stomach over the course of the night.

Skills

I am very skilled at driving, eating, and tying my shoes. Also at singing, tweeting, Facebooking, correcting your grammar, and making coffee.

Other Changes/Facts

I recently started using an organic shampoo bar and “conditioning” my hair with coffee. Seriously. So now my hair smells faintly of coffee all the time.

Also, I’m still thinking about going to grad school this fall. On Monday, I’ll be spending the day at Anderson University going to classes at the School of Theology and meeting with some profs. I heard they’re adding a counseling concentration to the seminary program, which would be interesting… and practical! Still praying for doors to open in whatever area(s) God wants me. We’ll see!

Firsts

I snow skied down a black diamond slope for the first time last weekend! I went on The Bridge youth ski trip to Mad River Mountain in Ohio with about 50 kids and 6 other adult leaders. I had a blast getting to know a few of the kids better (and skiing again for the first time in a couple of years, of course). It was also my first “extended” outing with the youth. Great times!

Sizes

7-8, 6-8, S-M

Teeth

Still straight and intact. Faithfully brushed twice a day and flossed once a day.

Mom & Dad Perspective

They love and miss me! They even posted nice things on Facebook.

Mom changed her profile picture to this:

and her status to this:

“‎23 years ago today I became a mommy for the first time, and my life was forever changed for the better. Happy birthday, my beautiful Reagan Taylor. I love you so very much!”

And Dad posted this:

and this:

“‎Greg Taylor's oldest baby girl will be 23 tomorrow. She's the greatest and I'm so proud of her. Love you Reagan, Happy Birthday!"

I got to talk to both of them on the phone for a little bit, which was really good. I never really miss home until I remember how much I love my family. I haven’t been back since Christmas, but I’m hoping to make a trip down soon.

Alright, that’s the end of index updating. Now on to the real stuff…

I had a lot of anxiety leading up to this birthday. In my head, 23 is the first “grown up” birthday. No more dingy, know-it-all, college graduate, 22-year-old foolishness. Time to get your crap together. Find a job. Find a husband. Find your niche. Get going. What are you going to do with your life? Well, someday when you get a ‘real’ job… It’s hard not to compare my life with those of most older people I know. By the time they were 23, they were married and going places. They didn’t have it all figured out, but they were on their way. Not me. I don’t know anything about anything. And, really, all this pressure is self-imposed. Everyone I’ve talked to about it just tells me to quit freaking out, that it’s okay, that I don’t need to have it all figured out, that I’m being ridiculous, that I’m still so young. Thanks, people who have spouses and jobs and life plans.

God’s really been turning my world upside down over the past year. All my plans and non-plans and expectations and desires have gone awry… But all have been redeemed. And I have no doubt at all that God’s favorite place to work is in my weakness – at that point where I (angrily and ungracefully) throw up my hands and give up, finally figuring out that I can’t make it work on my own after all. And I know that these fears and broken dreams are just another tool He’ll use to show me how He had a plan all along, if only I’d quit worrying about how to orchestrate all the details over which I have no control. And it will be better than anything for which I could have asked or imagined and all those kinds of things. But the transition period stinks.

As I write this, I have my “City and Colour” Pandora station playing, and the song “23” by Jimmy Eat World is on. Ha!

Needless to say, I’ve been doing a lot of praying. And God has been giving me peace. Which is a really big deal, as I rarely feel at ease about life. I feel this unusual calmness in my spirit, as if He's just telling me to wait. He's got this. Deal with today. Quit worrying about tomorrow. Pray for now.

I’ll probably look back in a few years and think, “Wow, if only I had known.” I guess I don’t really know, though. Maybe I’ll be thinking all the same things at 25 and 40 and 89.

Regardless, I know He’s doing something. I'm excited to see what that 'something' is.