I Blew It

I had the perfect chance, but I checked out instead.

I got the usual small talk questions as I sat across the table from my coworker while we supervised the adolescents on our unit.  "Are you married? Do you have kids (statements usually coupled with follow up phrases like, ‘Really?  You’re too pretty to be single,’ or, ‘Oh, usually when you meet young, Caucasian females who seem to have it all together, they’re married.’  Thankfully, this guy just let it go).

“So, are you planning on doing this job for a while?” he asked.

“Not forever,” I responded.  “I'll be leaving to go do missions overseas in a little less than a year.  I'm be going to Thailand with a team for 5 to 7 years, and we’ll be church planting.”

“Oh.  I don't really know what that means.”

“Basically, we’ll be talking to people and telling them about Jesus and how great He is, and then they’ll tell their friends, and then… churches will form.”

I said something else in Christianese that I can't recall now, something unintelligible to the untrained “churched” ear.

“Oh, that's interesting,” he replied.  “I'm not really religious, though.  I used to go to church…  But me and God, we have an understanding,” he said with a chuckle.  When I asked what he meant, he went on.  “When I was a kid, I was at church almost every night of the week.  But I didn't like it.  It just never really made sense to me.  So now I don’t really go anymore.”

“Yeah… It would make sense that it would be hard to enjoy church when… you didn't really… care about it.”

Conversation over.

I left work that night feeling like such a missionary failure. What happened? This guy set me up for the perfect opportunity to share Jesus with him, but I was too scared to ask more questions, to breach uncomfortable boundaries.  I had talked about Him with strangers before.  It's not like this was my first ballgame.  But for some reason, the right words just seemed to escape me.

It was that same defeated feeling times a thousand that had me in tears as I revealed my fears to my teammates a week later in Kansas City.  As we sat in our stuffed sofa and chairs, encircling a coffee table piled high with perhaps not-so-realistic expectations, I confessed.  I feel like I am going to fail in Thailand.  I have no idea what to do, and I'm afraid I won't be able to create any relationships with the people.

If I can't do it here, what makes me think I'm going to be able to do it there?





I'm sure Moses and I would've had a few good laughs, a couple of blubbering idiots trying to tell God we can't do anything right.

And then I picture God sitting back with sort of an amused smile, thinking, "Okay… so what?

Apart from me you can do nothing.”

Turns out, nearly every teammate in that circle had experienced some kind of spiritual attack that weekend.  Plaguing thoughts and fears about how there were a thousand people more qualified than them to go.  About how the team would be better off if they weren’t there.  About how they were just fooling everyone with a mere appearance of spirituality.  About how, really, they were just hypocrites.

It should be no surprise.  The greater God’s plan, the greater Satan’s attack.  The more affirmed the calling, the more prevalent the lies seeking to destroy it.

What I tend to forget is that the victory doesn’t depend on my sufficiency, but on the One who is already the Victor.

He is security.
He is relationship.
He is sufficiency.

Easter & Other Stuff

A sunrise in Thailand.

Christ is risen! On Easter morning, I awoke with a profound sense of joy.  I don’t ever remember feeling that deeply about Easter before.  Rather than glazing over the anniversary ofJesus’ resurrection – as if it were merely something that happened a long time ago that was somehow significant to our faith, but sort of irrelevant to us today – I placed myself in the story.  What would it have been like to be Mary as she walked to the tomb that morning, spices in hand, grieving the loss of her very best friend and the man whom she believed would save her land from oppression?  What would it have been like to see that stone rolled aside, the tomb empty?  To meet an angel whose news would have been shocking, to say the least?  And, finally, to hear your name spoken by someone who you were convinced would never speak again? What fear. What amazement. What joy. I’ll be spending this day on the other side of the globe this year, Lord willing.  Maybe I’ll even be able to produce a jumbled mess of words that sort of resemble, “He is risen, indeed!”  I’ll be living among a people who don’t know the meaning of the most important day in history.  Who don’t know the joy of having an Advocate who overcame death.   I grew up in the church (as the gone-to-church-my-whole-life Christians say), so I never experienced not knowing who Jesus was. But I imagine finding out would be similar to not finding His body in the tomb.  Putting to death your expectations from a religion meant to pave the road to peace.  Placing your doubts about whether you’ll ever arrive at perfection in the burial chamber.  Rolling the stone in front, sealing your own shame, guilt, and failure inside forever. And then waking up to find the tomb empty.  And something, Someone who is far greater than anything you had ever hoped or dreamed – the embodiment of peace, eternal life Himself – standing before you, saying your name. …………………………………… THE STUFF OF NEWS: I met (most) of my Thailand team last weekend!  We all met in Kansas City, MO for a few days to get to know each other; fly a kite; pick the brains of former missionaries to Thailand; consume lots of BBQ, stir fry, coffee, and Thai tea; talk about our expectations for the team (eek!); and pray over where God has us now and what He is preparing us to do.  (Pictured below:  women of Team Thailand:  Marnee, me, Heather, Liz)                    I had the blessing of seeing one of my World Race teammates get married andreconnecting with several of my friends from my WR squad.                    I pierced my nose… again.                                    THE STUFF OF PRAYER: April is already a difficult month for many in Oklahoma who lost loved ones in the OKC bombing 19 years ago, but poor health and death have become a more recent struggle for many others in my community and close social ties.  Please pray for those who are mourning the loss of Kaytie Joiner and for God’s comfort and healing in the lives of close friends and their relatives profoundly struggling with health issues. Pray for my team as we continue to raise financial and prayer support and that our growth and trust in Christ will continue to increase. Pray for the Holy Spirit to continue to move in the hearts and lives of the Thai people, preparing them to hear the Gospel.

Help Send Me to Thailand!

How was your Easter?  Did you have any awesome revelations?  What was the coolest thing you found in one of those plastic eggs?  Let me know!