THIRTY DAYS.
I feel like I'm going to be stuck in a perpetual cycle of crazy until the day I leave.
January 9th: End of Pretend Crazy. Beginning of Actual Crazy.
My mind is constantly spinning with things I still need to get done before I take off. And I feel like I can never get on top of anything.
I'm leaving in 30 days and I need to break in these Tevas and where can I find packing cubes and I don't have enough dinosaur thank you cards.
And I need to be nicer to my family and spend time with Jesus and stop saying cuss words in my head and reflect on how the world isn't about to end and how hundreds of people have done this before.
Huh.
But then I think more, and I feel I've become this icky person that I don't really want to bring on the World Race. You know, that mission trip thingy where you're supposed to be selfless and sacrificial and love Jesus and other people more than your own self.
I mean, it's not like anyone really wants to wake up to this teammate every morning.
I think I've determined that my icky self comes out more when I'm at home. Not because I don't love my family, but because I know they're not going anywhere. I can be snarky and obnoxious and feel entitled to that last bowl of chicken chili because, at the end of the day, I know they'll still love me. This is unfortunate, because while I've often felt like I (and everyone) was meant to be a missionary in my own home, I think I need someone to be a missionary to me.
It's a good thing Jesus ran around with crazies. Because I sure don't expect to step into every country and be the super awesome white American Christian who can tell all the natives how to get it together. And it's also a good thing He shows a lot of grace, because it's something I need a lot. And something I need to learn how to do better.
Sometimes, when I want a brutal spiritual punch in the face, I read My Utmost for His Highest by Oswald Chambers. It calls you out on your crap and tells you how to be more like Jesus. And that's awesome. Anyway, here is a line from "The Opposition of the Natural" that stuck out to me yesterday:
The cost to your natural life is not just one or two things, but everything. Jesus said, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself. . .” (Matthew 16:24). That is, he must deny his right to himself, and he must realize who Jesus Christ is before he will bring himself to do it. Beware of refusing to go to the funeral of your own independence.
Jesus, I desire to come after you.
Giving up my other desires is going to be rough.
Not freaking out about what I've left behind is going to be rough.
Living out of my righteous self instead of my icky self... That is going to be rough.
Please help me.
Thanks.
