Feedback. Remember this? I know it’s been awhile. With the presence of a challenging environment, everyone’s true colors emerge. And we all struggled. Food, communication, not getting to wear what we want, make the choices we want, or generally be entitled to anything we want… Those things were really, really hard. It was difficult to accept constructive feedback when all you wanted to do was stop sweating and eat a sandwich. To figure out, as a team, how to honor both your teammates and a culture nothing like your own. To navigate through conversations with both teammates and ministry contacts that really weren’t going as well as you had hoped they would. To know when to speak and when to keep your mouth shut. Good lessons. But hard.
Spiritual envy. I often felt like everyone else was getting the crazy growth and Holy Spirit revelations except for me. At least that’s what it felt like sometimes. Among many other things with which I struggled, this one in particular reared its ugly head pretty often. So I vented to God in my prayer journal. Everyone’s getting the good stuff. What about me?
Rejoice with those who rejoice. That was the Jesus lesson those days. Instead of willing myself NOT to be ticked and/or jealous, or even willing myself to be happy, what would it be like for my automatic, Spirit-filled response to be celebration for someone else’s blessings? To genuinely thank God for what He’s doing in their lives – without coveting it for my own?
During our Month 4 debrief, the one in Moldova where I realized Jesus loved me, Bill Swan (who ruined all of our lives) made us think about the thing we wanted most for ourselves from God. Then, he had us find someone to pray with… and pray that thing – our greatest desire from the Lord – for the other person.
And so after I finished listing my complaints to God about all the ways I sucked at life and ministry, I rejoiced over the ways that my teammates didn’t.
You have gifted her with the ability to communicate well. You are glorified when she does.
She hears Your voice. She is Your mouthpiece. How can I learn from her?
She is perceptive of others’ needs. That is exactly what was needed the other night. Thank You for using her to love that person.
She is becoming a spiritual leader for the team. She is an example of You.
Thank You for blessing me with a team of women who genuinely love children. They make up for my lack of love and energy for them. Help me to follow their example…
And on and on it went.
Just one giant spoonful of humility at a time – by force or by choice. That’s the Race. That’s life.
Perspective. God had been speaking to me through a couple of specific verses over the past couple of months.
“…let us fix our eyes on Jesus…” Hebrews 12
“Blessed are the pure in heart, for they will see God.” Matthew 5:8
There were and are so many things by which I’ve allowed myself to become sidetracked over the course of these last 8 months. Struggles I thought I could leave behind and then maybe revisit in real life, but not here, where all the Christians are supposed to be only awesome and surrounded by sin-proof clouds. False. So most days included some aspect of pleading God to purify my heart – I want to see You! Take away all the crap that’s in the way, all the things that avert my eyes from being fixed on You. I don’t want them anymore. That process was painful and hasn’t stopped. But it’s so good.
And even though I often feel “behind” on my projected spiritual growth this year, I’m constantly reminded by my teammates and leaders that, ‘Reagan, you really are growing. Look here and here and here. See how you’ve changed? Don’t give up. Remember all those dreams you had at the beginning? At Training Camp? At Launch? Maybe you haven’t reached those yet, but keep going. Don’t give up now. There is so much more that God has for you, and the best is yet to come.’
Phew. Alright. Quality time: fulfilled. Our second cups of coffee are drained now, and it’s time to get going. Nepal awaits.
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