TWO DAYS.
It's hard to believe that this weird, awesome... all the things journey will be coming to an end so, so soon.
Remember when it was only thirty days until Launch? It wasn't so long ago. I remember typing that blog on my beautiful MacBook with a screen that was intact, sitting on the floor in front of my fireplace, trying to avoid doing important things like... Well, figuring out how many containers of floss to pack, writing 'thank you's to supporters on those dinosaur cards, and preferring my family members when it came to that dang chicken chili.
It wasn't so long ago, and even then I knew time would fly once the Race started. I knew I didn't want to come back anytime soon because I had no idea what to do with my life when the time came.
And it's just about here.
Oddly enough, I'm not flailing around in Crazy Land about it anymore. That's how it was for a long time, but not now. I think the revelations started to solidify while I talked aloud to myself and pushed kids in wheelchairs around the orphanage campus in China.
The main one? The World Race will not transform me into the best Christian ever. For so many months, I had Ideal Reagan pegged to appear in Africa, then Asia... She had her moments but was never as fully present as I expected. I was determined to have this whole preferring everyone 24/7, listening prayer, squad leader worthy faith thing figured out by Month 11 at the LATEST. And each time I would finish another month with a deep sense of failure and regret for not becoming all that I was surely meant to be.
"But perfect Reagan isn't the goal," I told myself. "If that's what I'm striving for, I will always fail, because that 'ideal' - based on my performance, being good enough, earning great faith - that's impossible."
"Perfect Reagan isn't the goal. Jesus is. Strive to be like Him, not an ideal image of myself."
Taking that pressure off myself to do and be all these things was a big step for me. And it allowed me to listen to a Voice other than the frustrating, critical one in my mind.
A Voice that reminded me that He loves me. That if I ever feel far away or haven't intentionally pursued Him in awhile, I can always start NOW. Not after I feel like I've gotten all my crap together. Right now.
And this was so freeing because it allowed me to do things like stop freaking out all the time.
Stop being afraid of going home.
Discern between the things that matter and the things that don't.
Love my family.
Trust that God will lead me every step of the way. Not just say it. Really trust.
Invest deeply in every moment of life because I will certainly miss a lot of beautiful things if I'm focusing on every other moment but this one.
And it's a good thing, too, because Month 12 of The World Race deserves all I've got.
This is not the end.
No comments:
Post a Comment